Post by 73Nova73 on Dec 16, 2004 13:25:07 GMT -5
2004 Darwin Awards
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again.
It's an annual honor given to the person who did the
gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in
the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's
winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting
to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees this year in reverse order are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of
getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with
which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not
surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he
vomited into the fireplace in his house. This
resulting explosion and fire burned his house down,
killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement
of his home died of suffocation, according to police.
He was approximately 6' 2"tall and weighed 225 pounds.
He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared
that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform
look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had
the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached
in its place. The other end of the hose was connected
to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in
diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his
rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his
suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the
circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft
at low altitude when another plane approached. It
appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the
other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft
and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage
with their pants around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was
found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to
bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax
County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one
end around one foot, anchored the other end to the
trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car
was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he
assembled was greater than the distance between the
trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say
the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It
seems that he and a friend were playing a game of
catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no
doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas
noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management
evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential
sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
building had been evacuated, two technicians from the
gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the
building, they found they had difficulty navigating in
the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights
worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of
the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object,
the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces
of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the
technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched
by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing
the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by
his peers.
AND THE WINNER.....
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his
threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own
"balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a
bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer
and dangle his scrotum in the machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante
by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's
scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the
mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his
threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his
perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the
ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground
than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the
scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was
ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was
plucked from him forever and remained in the ball
washer, while the other testicle was compressed and
flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the
washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add
insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver
that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was
using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the
hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was
asked to leave the course.
NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the
idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a
result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have
allowed it.
Yes, these are all true. They are finally out again.
It's an annual honor given to the person who did the
gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in
the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's
winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting
to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees this year in reverse order are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of
getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with
which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not
surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he
vomited into the fireplace in his house. This
resulting explosion and fire burned his house down,
killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement
of his home died of suffocation, according to police.
He was approximately 6' 2"tall and weighed 225 pounds.
He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and
white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared
that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform
look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had
the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached
in its place. The other end of the hose was connected
to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in
diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his
rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his
suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the
circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft
at low altitude when another plane approached. It
appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the
other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft
and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage
with their pants around their ankles.
4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was
found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to
bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle. Fairfax
County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one
end around one foot, anchored the other end to the
trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the
pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said
investigators think Barcia was alone because his car
was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he
assembled was greater than the distance between the
trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say
the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It
seems that he and a friend were playing a game of
catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no
doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was
hospitalized.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas
noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management
evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential
sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the
building had been evacuated, two technicians from the
gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the
building, they found they had difficulty navigating in
the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights
worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of
the technicians reaching into his pocket and
retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object,
the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces
of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the
technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched
by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing
the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by
his peers.
AND THE WINNER.....
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his
threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own
"balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a
bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer
and dangle his scrotum in the machine.
Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante
by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's
scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the
mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his
threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his
perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the
ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground
than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the
scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was
ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was
plucked from him forever and remained in the ball
washer, while the other testicle was compressed and
flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the
washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add
insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver
that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was
using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the
hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome was
asked to leave the course.
NB: This last one wouldn't normally count, because the
idiot didn't die. But because he cannot reproduce as a
result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have
allowed it.
